Are you in one of those magical relationships with little to no arguments or fights and frankly you're getting bored? For those of you who need to spice things up and want a surefire way to cause conflict in your relationship here is the perfect formula: graduate college without a job (I finally finished school after ten years! But really, no job? I thought you went to school to become employable.), move across the country (causing you to quickly become penniless), start a business, and move in with your parents. (Btw family and friends, don’t worry about Courtney and me. We are rocking it! If you want to know some of our secrets, keep reading)

But you are likely not one of those magical couples, because they are few and far between, and really just avoidant enough to minimize their conflicts away, which kind of looks like it works, but it’s not ideal, because they are still there. Anyway, everybody has conflict sooner or later in relationships. What we know now is that conflict is not really harmful to relationships in the long term; couples with a lot of conflict can be successful and endure if they can master a few simple things. The key is REPAIR. 

Your Ideal Relationship Is Like Your Dream Car.

Imagine that your ideal relationship is like your dream car. Like any vehicle, it requires regular maintenance. I’d guess you would spend a bit more though if this was your dream car. If you’re like me, I’d buy premium gas, I’d change the oil every 1500 miles, and have a set of tires for the summer and a set for the winter. It would smell amazing inside, I’d never eat in it, and it would always be kept in the garage. I might even be weird and crazy about this car, like the guy that parks way out in the parking lot, so he doesn’t get door-ed by my four year old. If anything happened to it, say a student driver did bump me in a parking lot, do you think I would drive around with a scuff or dimple in my bumper? Do you think I’d say, “Oh it wasn’t that bad. Maybe others won’t notice.” No way! It would be in the shop that same day to get fixed!

This is called repair, and the same thing applies to our relationships. We need to approach them like our ideal car, truck, boat, or home. We need to give them the best routine treatment, and when something gets bumped or broken, they need to be repaired as soon as possible.  Here are four steps to mastering relationship repair.

Touch A Lot

Touch is extremely meaningful in relationships, but what I’m talking about is non-sexual touch. Sex is not an apology. Sex is definitely benefited by repair, but you can’t put the cart before the horse. How many friends of yours have a lousy relationship and complain about the equally poor love life? Their relationship is not poor because there’s little to no good sex. It’s likely suffering because of a lack of intimacy, repair, and friendship and their sex life is suffering because of that. So what does touch do and why is it important? Touch increases closeness, friendship, and vulnerability. You can’t touch someone and not be vulnerable. You are literally leaving fight-or-flight mode when you decide to tenderly touch your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband. Touch alone can cause the decrease of stress hormones and the production of oxytocin (the “love hormone”), increasing your overall sense of wellbeing. How cool is that?!  And when repair is needed, everybody can use a little more oxytocin flowing. Touch is a wonderful intro to repair. It can calm emotions and communicate more than words. It’s one of my favorite ways to initiate repair with my wife, because sometimes I’m not sure what to say. On the other hand, I love it when she sits next to me, or puts her arms around me when I feel unsupported or rejected. Most important, touch conveys the message, “I want to be with you. You’re important to me. I’m on your team”, rather than “Screw you, I’m putting up walls to battle it out, and I’m going to win.”

Be Verbal

Listen, we all say or do things that offend, slight, and even hurt each other. Whether they are intentional or just something accidental and stupid, we need to apologize. It’s so important to acknowledge your own mistakes. I can’t emphasize this enough. I’m sure you have known people that just go on about their business without saying anything. Or they buy gifts, in hopes that the offended party will just ignore what happened. Yeah right. You need to say, “I’m sorry.” Out loud. You need to say what you are thinking and feeling and not assume your partner already knows how you feel. If you need to give yourself a time out to gather your thoughts and cool off, do that first. But then go back and apologize.

Eliminate Distractions

Timing is everything in repair, and one of the fastest and surest ways to make a failed repair is to do it while distractions are present. This could mean that the TV is on, or you’re on the computer or another electronic device. Your children may be anxious for your attention, or something might be about to burn on the stove. Repair needs your undivided attention. It takes your attention, because it takes selling it. Your loved one needs to know that you mean it and that you aren’t just running through the motions. So pick a time when you can be sincere and focused.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

Repair is not an occasional thing. I don’t want you to think that this is saved for major screw-ups. Instead, think about it as a micro-skill. It’s something that is repeated frequently throughout your days, weeks, months, and years together. If you do begin to change the manner and frequency of your intentional relationship repairs, you both will become faster and more efficient repair-ers. This is awesome, because the longer that a break/offense goes without repair, the more difficult it is to resolve.